‘Wasted Life’, Says 77-Year-Old Rabbi Who Just Learned Celibacy Not Required

Having just learned that he didn’t have to be celibate to do his job, 77-year-old Rabbi Moshe Sprecher has been looking back on his life with immense regret.

“You wouldn’t believe the attention you get at a bris when you perform a circumcision, I mean you know how many attractive balaboostas showed interest in me over the years?”, said the disillusioned rabbi who spent hours every week praying the sin away at every lustful thought, until he abruptly realized rabbis were allowed to get married and have intercourse while he was reading Shmuley Boteach’s The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life.

“I don’t want to keep kvetching, but can you believe I didn’t even use my vast knowledge of the Talmud to pick up chicks?”

At press time, Rabbi Sprecher went on a date with a woman from his congregation but reportedly failed to seal the deal.

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Mathieu Boumal

I’m a comedian and writer originally from Belgium. I write for The Daily Mash, Le Gorafi, and other things. Wanna hire me? Sweet. HTTP://boumal.substack.com