Kidnapping Victim Finally Feels Valuable

JUAREZ, MEXICO — Reflecting on how underappreciated he feels back home, American tourist Josh Hamilton described the joys of finally feeling like he’s worth something after getting brutally beat up and abducted.

“Wow, this actually feels kind of nice”, said the tourist with three missing fingers after completing a ransom video in a decrepit basement at a secret location. “I mean, I know I could get shot in the head at any point now, but it’s good to feel appreciated for once. Plus, I get constant company and there’s even a guy watching me sleep, how could I not enjoy that kind of attention?”

After realizing the prostitute he was offered was simply a parting gift before he would inevitably lose his life at the hands of his captors, Hamilton said he was happy they were at least compensating him for his troubles. “It’s like they actually recognize my intrinsic value as an individual.”

At press time, he said he felt immensely grateful for getting a private tour of the region before being brought to the desert to dig his own grave.