Browsing for wine at the liquor store, Eleanor Ames was specifically looking for a bottle she would be comfortable pouring down the sink in the event she decided to quit again.
“I don’t want a crappy wine, but at the same time, I don’t want to spend too much money on it in case I get one of those moments again when I decide to become sober for the twentieth time”, said Ames, who’s trying hard to be strategic about the next time she will get angry, sad and resentful.
“Then again, I suppose it’s possible I’ll drink at least…
As he explained the Dünning-Krüger, a cognitive bias stating that people with low ability tend to overestimate their ability, Frankie Knight was unaware that he was showing signs of the very thing he was describing.
“It’s a very well-known thing in psychology, trust me, I know what I’m talking about”, said Knight even though he’s absolutely not qualified to accurately describe any psychological concept, mostly relying on tweets with no base knowledge to correctly interpret anything he reads.
“It’s about self-aware and metacognition and stuff like that, it’s a lot to get into right now but that’s the gist of it. You probably don’t understand what I’m talking about, but it’s fine, you’ll get there. This is kind of my thing.”
Sources reported that Knight eventually went to hide in shame when he found out his interlocutor had a PhD in psychology.
Wishing he could go back in time to a simpler time, Bernie Lofoten described the forgotten perks of being allowed to speak your mind uncensored and not having access to anesthesia to go through horrendous surgery.
“Imagine what it must have been like two hundred years ago, back when you wouldn’t lose your job for making a so-called sexist joke and, of course, anesthesia didn’t exist, which means a dentist would take care of a patient’s cavities by making him go through excruciating pain which would be unimaginable today”, said Lofoten, who’s a firm believer that “things were better before.”
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SAN FRANCISCO, California — Giving a speech on willpower at a TEDx conference, 13-year-old paraplegic Hannah Godin only managed to inspire people because of her inability to walk and not because of any substance in her words.
“I’m here to tell you that if I can get over my fears and sit in front of you here to share my experience, so can you”, said Godin, who somehow linked being in a wheelchair to the fear of public speaking, and seemed to think her thirteen years of life experience were enough to give her credibility.
“Okay, I get it, the…
Discovering the pleasures of spreading it all around her lips and enjoying its beautiful smell, Elizabeth Tottenham has been taking more joy from her vanilla-scented lip balm than from making out with her boyfriend.
“It’s delicious and it feels so good on my lips, making them feel soft and smooth, the smell of the bourbon vanilla taking over my olfactory senses to provide me with this unique sensation I can’t get elsewhere”, said Tottenham, whose boyfriend will never be able to compete with her $2 lip balm in stick form which she can enjoy in the snap of a finger…
JERUSALEM — Highly respected representatives of the three main Abrahamic religions decided to set aside their differences and come together for a bloody fight in which only one of them will survive.
“We thought it would be important to take a break with all these heated discussions and realize that, at the end of the day, we’re all capable to just beat the shit out of each other so that only the best one gets out alive”, said Father Giaccmo, a Catholic priest who came all the way from Rome to prove to the world the superiority of the Christian…
Having been used to yelling at him for absolutely no reason whatsoever, abusive girlfriend Charlotte Keller was thrilled to finally have a proper justification for verbally abusing her boyfriend.
“Usually I have nothing concrete to use against him, so I’ll just make up some shit about one of his female friends or whatever, and it can be pretty challenging at times”, said Keller, who has been emotionally abusive to her boyfriend for three years and doesn’t plan to stop anytime soon.
“Normally I’d say she’s freaking nuts, but I’ve got to admit I kind of fucked up this time”, said…
Increasingly aware of the dangers of political correctness, Caleb Holiday is worried it might be making people overreact about things such as dead kids in war-torn countries.
“People are so over-sensitive these days, it’s like it’s impossible to bomb a bunch of innocent children without the woke crowd crying about it”, said Holiday, who fears it will soon become nearly impossible to turn a child into an orphan by killing his whole family through collateral damage.
“I remember things being much different ten years ago, back when people realized that it’s okay not to please everyone. Nowadays, it’s like the…
While he was in the middle of a speech about the future of video games, Xbox CEO Phil Spencer had to put an abrupt end to his presentation after his mom interrupted him to say dinner was ready.
“And this is why, if we consider NFTs — wait, I’m sorry, I think my mom is calling me. Yeah mom, what? No, I’m busy. What’s that? Mashed potatoes? …
As Leo Harold was socializing with a new group of people, he realized his status as the group’s funniest man had been taken over by Benjamin Sanders, the new funniest guy around and “major asshole” according to Harold.
“Who the hell does he think he is, constantly making jokes trying to get external validation from people?”, said Harold, who was doing the exact same thing until he realized he wasn’t quite as funny as his new arch nemesis.
“We get it, you’re a perfect mixture of cheekiness, self-deprecation and acerbic social commentary, you don’t have to shove it in everyone’s…
Mathieu Boumal
I’m a comedian and writer from Belgium, currently based nowhere in particular. I write for The Daily Mash, Le Gorafi and other things. Wanna hire me? Sweet.
